Thursday, February 7, 2013


I'm testing a new app on my phone so hopefully this will work right.
I had court on Monday. I was very nervous. I pictured in my mind scenes from Judge Judy. He and I standing in front of the judge with our lawyers, hin flinging accusations at me and me trying to defend myself but choking up. I did not want to see him. One of the hardest things to do is to see him. He looks just like the sweet man I married, with a few more pounds and wrinkles. (No offense meant. I also have mor pounds, wrinkles, and gray hair too.)
But he's not that man. At least, he's not the man i thought he was. (He never was that man. But that's a level of phsychology I'm not going into here.)
We had good times. He taught me to lighten up. That I don't have to be such a stick in the mud all the time. He taught me how to not be so naive. We had 3 babies together. There was a time when i wanted nothing more than to just be held in his arms. Not held down by them, but held IN them.
I'm not quite as afraid of him as i once was. I don't keep my mouth shut out of fear of offending him. I stand up for myself, even if that means hiring a lawyer to stand by my side.
He told me i couldn't do anything important or difficult. That there was nothing wrong with that, that some women just aren't built to do anything greater than be a homemaker. (To which i think, "what IS greater than being a homemaker? To me, nothing. It's the future of the world. It's taking care of God's most precious creations. I digress.)
He said i couldn't get a real job. I didn't have the work history, the experience, the fortitude. To which i think, i had the strenth to put up with you for 10.5 years (8.5 married), I can do anything!"
I used to pray he'd leave because i wasnt brave enough to take a stand. I read in a book by a lawyer that he's never seen a case where two people mutually agreed to get a divorce. One wants it and the other usually thinks things are going along just fine and is shocked when served with papers. I realized that he wasn't going to leave. I belonged to him in his mind. I had to mind him and do whatever he wanted. And i did try. But noone can bear the burden of trying to make another person happy.
I made up my mind to leave. This was fall 2010. I decided id leave after xmas.  Nov 14, 2010, i had to call the police. Some of you remember this. I dont want to go into that right now.
He made a bunch of promises. I wanted to believe him. I went back after 2 weeks. I warned him that i don't give 3rd chances. If i had to leave again, i wouldn't be coming back. On average a woman will leave an abusive relationship 7 times before leaving for good. I pictured myself and my kids packing up and leaving 7 times. I pictured more babies. Id already had 7 pregnancies and 2 live births. I realized i couldn't do that. It's not fair to the kids to constantly uproot them. I vowed that if there was a next time, it would be the last. If he wanted to reconcile, he'd have to do A LOT of work over a long period of time to prove himself trustworthy and I'd only go back after i became self-sufficient.
So anyways i went back. I knew after 3 days id made the wrong decision. It was not better at all. In fact, it quickly became worse than before i left! He seemed determined to make me pay for having left and to make sure i was so dependent i could never leave again. 2 Weeks after i went back, i was pregnant.
A month later his job ended. He went to school to retrain and then quit one job and turned down every other opportunity that came up. We were out of time and out of money and a baby on the way! He was talking about going to Colorado. His dad offered that we could stay with him until we got on our feet.
So now I'm 30 weeks pregnant, in the middle of nowhere, no transportation, no regular internet access, no space of our own, none of my family or friends nearby, nothing. He had complete control over everything and he LIKED it that way.
Well, I'm almost at my bus stop so i'll write more later.