|My middle son. The most neurotic of the bunch (and the most like me). :)|
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
I'm testing a new app on my phone so hopefully this will work right.
I had court on Monday. I was very nervous. I pictured in my mind scenes from Judge Judy. He and I standing in front of the judge with our lawyers, hin flinging accusations at me and me trying to defend myself but choking up. I did not want to see him. One of the hardest things to do is to see him. He looks just like the sweet man I married, with a few more pounds and wrinkles. (No offense meant. I also have mor pounds, wrinkles, and gray hair too.)
But he's not that man. At least, he's not the man i thought he was. (He never was that man. But that's a level of phsychology I'm not going into here.)
We had good times. He taught me to lighten up. That I don't have to be such a stick in the mud all the time. He taught me how to not be so naive. We had 3 babies together. There was a time when i wanted nothing more than to just be held in his arms. Not held down by them, but held IN them.
I'm not quite as afraid of him as i once was. I don't keep my mouth shut out of fear of offending him. I stand up for myself, even if that means hiring a lawyer to stand by my side.
He told me i couldn't do anything important or difficult. That there was nothing wrong with that, that some women just aren't built to do anything greater than be a homemaker. (To which i think, "what IS greater than being a homemaker? To me, nothing. It's the future of the world. It's taking care of God's most precious creations. I digress.)
He said i couldn't get a real job. I didn't have the work history, the experience, the fortitude. To which i think, i had the strenth to put up with you for 10.5 years (8.5 married), I can do anything!"
I used to pray he'd leave because i wasnt brave enough to take a stand. I read in a book by a lawyer that he's never seen a case where two people mutually agreed to get a divorce. One wants it and the other usually thinks things are going along just fine and is shocked when served with papers. I realized that he wasn't going to leave. I belonged to him in his mind. I had to mind him and do whatever he wanted. And i did try. But noone can bear the burden of trying to make another person happy.
I made up my mind to leave. This was fall 2010. I decided id leave after xmas. Nov 14, 2010, i had to call the police. Some of you remember this. I dont want to go into that right now.
He made a bunch of promises. I wanted to believe him. I went back after 2 weeks. I warned him that i don't give 3rd chances. If i had to leave again, i wouldn't be coming back. On average a woman will leave an abusive relationship 7 times before leaving for good. I pictured myself and my kids packing up and leaving 7 times. I pictured more babies. Id already had 7 pregnancies and 2 live births. I realized i couldn't do that. It's not fair to the kids to constantly uproot them. I vowed that if there was a next time, it would be the last. If he wanted to reconcile, he'd have to do A LOT of work over a long period of time to prove himself trustworthy and I'd only go back after i became self-sufficient.
So anyways i went back. I knew after 3 days id made the wrong decision. It was not better at all. In fact, it quickly became worse than before i left! He seemed determined to make me pay for having left and to make sure i was so dependent i could never leave again. 2 Weeks after i went back, i was pregnant.
A month later his job ended. He went to school to retrain and then quit one job and turned down every other opportunity that came up. We were out of time and out of money and a baby on the way! He was talking about going to Colorado. His dad offered that we could stay with him until we got on our feet.
So now I'm 30 weeks pregnant, in the middle of nowhere, no transportation, no regular internet access, no space of our own, none of my family or friends nearby, nothing. He had complete control over everything and he LIKED it that way.
Well, I'm almost at my bus stop so i'll write more later.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
I’m funny – I don’t get early labour! Even with my first, I woke up at 28 weeks in active labour. Contractions were 1.5-2 minutes long and 30-60 seconds between them. The L&D nurse said that was impossible... until she saw it on the chart. I was dilated to 3 by the time I got to the hospital about an hour later. Then I was induced at 9 days past my EDD and 3 cm and labour came on full force right away. With my second, I woke up at 4 am in active labour. Anyways, as soon as I said different, he knew what that meant.
|Midwife checking baby's hearttones. I'm contracting and working hard.|
|Smiling between contractions - my last belly picture|
My doula from my 2nd's birth (who was unable to attend this one because I moved 10 hours away) asked me what it felt like to catch him myself, compared to having someone else catch him. I told her that with the first two, it was like I'd waited 9 months for Christmas only to have someone else unwrap my present for me. This time, I got to unwrap my own present. I loved it.
[Photo removed to protect the identity of my midwife]
He was born after just 5 hours of labour. I have no clue how long I pushed for.
He was COVERED in vernex! That is a creamy substance that protects their skin in the womb. It's more common to see lots of it on preterm babies. It doesn't need to be washed off, I just rubbed it into his skin and it helps protect his skin after he's born too. My first, I think, had very little at 10 days past EDD. My 2nd had none that I can recall at 39 weeks. This one was covered head to toe with vernex at 39 weeks and 3 days. That sure surprised me, I wasn't expecting to see that.
|Best wheatgrass in the world! Well, at least North America where it's distributed :D|
|Postpartum Herbal Bath|
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
|The house I was born in.|
I was born 3 weeks past my guess date. My grandma’s birthday was the day before and my mom had spent the day doing gardening and going for long walks, trying to get labour to start. It worked, but I wasn’t born until 3:12 am the next day.
|My mom, 41.5 weeks pregnant with me (1.5 weeks to go!)|
My mom called her parents to come over and they brought my Aunt Sarah (around 14 years old) with them. My grandma T was dressed up in her Sunday best and my grandpa T, who is colour blind and normally has his clothes picked out by my grandma, was wearing 3 different colours of shirt, pants, and tie. As my mom puts it, Sarah was the only one dressed how she should be for a birth – jeans and a t-shirt.
|My mom's parents and I|
My mom was shocked when he announced that it was a girl. She’d SO wanted a girl that time but convinced herself she was having another boy so that she wouldn’t be disappointed. Not that my brothers were a disappointment! She was thrilled to have them and thrilled to have a daughter too J
|Dr. Barel, me, my dad and mom.|
|My dad, big brother, myself, and my mom.|
|My big brother and I|
|My dad's parents and I|
|Grandma M and I|
|My mom and I (1 day old)|